Finding Financial Balance in Parenthood

[00:00:00] Whitney Casares I would say it keeps you from being aligned with your values when you're stressed out financially. I don't mean money's tight, so we're stressed. I mean you feel like you're out of alignment, you're in a ton of debt; or you feel you've been making decisions where you're overspending, or you feel like your money's going to the wrong places and you're wasting money. If you feel that you're in that spot, it can be really hard to then focus on all the other things that you care about.

[00:00:31] Jennifer Borget Between the mental load of parenting, the cost of summer camps, or trying to get dinner on the table between Zoom calls, do you ever feel like you're juggling too much? Our guest today, Dr. Whitney Casares, is a pediatrician, author and mom who experienced burnout and transformed her life by prioritizing her family's values. She now guides other parents in doing the same. In this episode, we're going to discuss how to stop over-functioning, parent with intention and align your finances to your personal values.

Remember, if you enjoy this episode, leave us a rating or review. If you need help prioritizing, you can find a parenting prioritization worksheet at northwesternmutual.com/podcast and other free tools to help you build a plan to get more from your money.

All right, let's dig in. So, you have a unique perspective on parenting, not only as a pediatrician but as a parent yourself. What inspired you to start your coaching business? Did you have a light bulb moment that kind of went off? Where you realized, Hey parents, we're doing a lot. We're kind of burnt out.

[00:01:37] Whitney Casares Yes. Well, I think because I became so burnt out myself. I was a go-getter, Stanford residency graduate, full-on ‘Lean In’ Sheryl Sandberg lady. And I drank the Kool-Aid, man. I would be the one who would stay late for a patient, who would take on extra. Then I had my first daughter, and she just did not allow me to do that. She didn't sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time. Once we got into the toddler years, she just was a lot. Eventually we ended up learning that she had autism and a severe anxiety disorder. She has level one autism. And so I found myself pulled in all different directions all the time and always feeling like I was giving as much as I possibly could, but I was never giving enough. And so I developed a framework for myself that I now call “Conflicted to Centered” that is about prioritizing what matters the most and then dealing with the rest of the things that have to get done.

[00:02:45] Jennifer Borget Wow. Do you have a specific example where you made that shift from doing it all versus doing what matters?

[00:02:51] Whitney Casares I know a lot of moms love being part of the PTA, or dads love being part of PTA, and that fuels them—they feel like I got to bake all the brownies and serve little specialized like organic foods to my children in their lunch boxes. That is not me anymore. I have decided if I'm going to contribute, it's going to be with $10, or it's going to be with something that is Postmates-ed or Instacart-ed over to those people, so that way they get what they need. But I can move on to doing my work being on podcasts or writing my books or spending time with my kids. So, those are a few really practical examples.

And then there are other examples when it comes to my kids and the way that I parent. I used to feel like Okay, I need to attend every single school event, or I need to be with my kids 24/7 to have them feel like they really have all my attention and I care for them. Instead, now what I do is I've decided what the things are I really want to be there for. I want to be there for my child's first choir performance, where she's amazing, and I want to watch her sing, but I don't need to be there to drop off and pick up every single day. Someone else could be doing that for me. Those are terrible times of the day anyway for my kids. Why would I want to be part of that, you know? I need to be there during the day when my parents say or my kids say I'm having a really hard time with my friend. I want to talk with you. But it's okay for me to say to my kids, Mommy is working right now. I have some appointments that I need to take and see patients and focus on them, and in two hours I'll be able to spend time with you when there aren't those big heart-wrenching moments that come up.

I find that when I do that, at the end of the day, I feel so much more satisfied. I feel much more competent; I feel so much more accomplished. And also I feel more aligned with the things that I actually care the most about as opposed to feeling scattered. So that's a practical piece. And then the more kind of philosophical piece or emotional piece is in order to do that, you have to take a pause. It could be that you write it out: These are the projects I want to do. Or you could just take two minutes in the shower as you're getting ready to go: Okay, what actually needs to be accomplished today?

[00:05:06] Jennifer Borget What do you think is something that parents can start doing today to better manage their time?

[00:05:16] Whitney Casares Number one is start at the beginning of the day with a plan. And I am not a morning routine person. I don't do morning routines because there's too much going on chaotically with my family. But I'm talking about you're making your coffee, and you have just that moment to think, just for a minute, just for two minutes, and just run through in your head a list of two things. Okay, one, what are the two projects that I really want to get done today? What are the things that would make me feel like I made headway in some way, shape or form? And then the other is one task that if I do this, it will reduce my anxiety. I've been maybe putting it off. It's stressful for me. But if I just go ahead and do it, I'm going to feel so much better.

The example for me is I work and consult with some different brands, including CeraVe's skin care brand. And I'm responsible for putting together a panel of different physicians that are going to talk with their sales representatives about ways to think about skin care and different things that they could talk to pediatricians about as they're in their offices and how we can provide help as experts. And it was stressing me out because I'm like, I don't know exactly what the question should be, how should I do it? And so I just decided this morning, as I was making my coffee, that has got to be my number one priority to sit down and do this morning so that it's just off my list. Because otherwise I'm going to be thinking about it all day long, and it's going to distract me from everything else that needs to get done. I'm not going to do anything else well because I'm constantly thinking about this thing that's kind of stressful. So I put my music in (music is a huge thing for me. I love it. Comfy blanket). I sat on my porch, where it's like sunny and I feel good, you know? And then I just sat down on my computer, and I used ChatGPT, to be honest, to type in “give me some starters for some questions.” And I literally had the whole thing done in 30 minutes because I was able to then put in those answers. Now I don't have that inertia that I have to get over because something else generated something for me. And then I could go in and edit and refine and make it exactly how I wanted to do.

But that would be my number one tip: Just spend two minutes in thoughtful planning, wherever that is that you do it best (mine is the lights have to be off in the kitchen, and I'm making my coffee); it can be if you can get it together to take a shower—in the shower is another great place to be thinking of things like that.

[00:07:51] Jennifer Borget We sound so much alike. In order to do things that I don't want to do, I have to make it fun in some way or comfortable or something. I'll do that sometimes. I go take my laptop outside on the back porch. I'm like, Okay, I hear the water. I've been in the sun. Yes, this is what I need.

[00:08:11] Whitney Casares I ate a piece of banana bread. I was like, Let's go.

[00:08:13] Jennifer Borget Yes, a snack definitely helps. When it comes to financially planning with families, I know a lot of people talk about Oh, babies are so expensive and budgeting and saving for all of the baby things. But sometimes we underestimate the cost of older kids. I know now that my kids, 15, 12, and almost seven—I'm like, I'm pretty sure this is more expensive than the babies with all the things that we're paying for. So, can you talk a little bit about aligning spending values and managing? Because that adds pressure for parents, too.

[00:09:00] Whitney Casares Oh, 100 percent. So, actually, finances are so tied to priorities and alignment. I mean, they're so tied to your values about what you actually want to invest in. And I 100 percent agree with you. I think that kids are way more expensive as they get older. You know, of course, it costs a lot to have a baby at the hospital. That costs a lot.

[00:09:23] Jennifer Borget And daycare is expensive.

[00:09:24] Whitney Casares Daycare costs a ton. Camp this year, I mean, it's $400 a week times two for me. So actually, that's a good example. I'll give you that example as a financial choice that I make based off the framework that I have. I have a couple things that I call my “center points” in my framework that I care the most about. I care about going to new places or exploring new ideas or listening to new music or seeing new art or reading new books. I care about exploration. I care about connection with my kids. And then I care a ton about mental and physical wellness. And I don't mean that I need to be a size 0. I mean just that I feel good in my body, and I don't feel stressed out all the time.

So, with that, I make decisions financially for my family. For us, I would rather deal with my kids being home for the majority of the summer and create my schedule so that ... for example, today I worked from 6 a.m. to 10 a.m. seeing patients while my kids were sleeping ... so that for the rest of the day, I can spend time with my kiddo and I don't need childcare as much during the summer, right? Not everybody has that flexibility, but that's a choice that I'm making. And it comes with a sacrifice because I hate getting up at five o'clock in the morning to be able to do that. I did that so that for two weeks of summer we could take a family vacation to a timeshare that my parents have in Hawaii. And it wasn't the most extensive, extravagant vacation, but to be able to have my kids do that, to go do something fun now, I make that decision of I'm going to a place where I'm exploring, I'm in a beautiful place, I'm traveling, I have connection with my kids, and I have physical mental wellness at that place. That's a place that ticks all of those boxes for me. I have to make some sacrifices. I know that I have work from 6 to 10 a.m. for the rest of the summer during the week so that I can not have to pay for childcare or as many camps. I know that I'm going to have to sacrifice my kids going to some fun camps they maybe would have liked to go to. So, that decision financially is based off my core values: What do I care about? What do we think will make it so that my family will thrive?

[00:11:50] Jennifer Borget Dr. Whitney has been so open and honest about her experience. I love what you said about how it's not about doing it all, it's about doing what matters. Up next, Dr. Whitney shares how she makes spending and saving less overwhelming by redefining what's worth it and deciding what to outsource or skip. But first, here's how your Northwestern Mutual advisor can help you juggle your financial needs and put your money where it matters.

[00:12:17] Speaker Let's face it, parenting is overwhelming. Keeping schedules straight, waking up with sick kids on the day of a big meeting at work, figuring out how you'll cover baseball registration and spring break. There's a lot to juggle, but it's not about keeping all the balls in the air. It's about keeping the right balls in the air and having the right support to catch the other ones.

It's the same when it comes to your money. You can't do it all. So instead, focus on putting your money where it matters. How? Meet with your financial advisor. They'll ask better questions that get to the heart of what matters to you. Then they'll help you design a comprehensive plan, custom tailored to you, that puts your top priorities first. If paying for education is important to you, your advisor can offer college saving strategies. If retiring early and traveling with your kids matters, you can explore tax-efficient retirement savings options that give you more flexibility down the road. Starting with what matters will help you keep what's important in focus and on track even if life takes a turn. Though it may seem like one more thing on your to-do list, the sooner you get started, the better. And getting started is easy. Go to northwesternmutual.com/podcast and download our guide to prioritizing finances with kids. It'll help you get your thoughts in order so you're ready to build a financial plan with your advisor that prioritizes what matters most.

[00:13:36] Jennifer Borget How can parents define their values—maybe a guiding light for them on deciding what kind of big financial decisions to make?

[00:13:44] Whitney Casares Yeah, that's a great question. I think people do not spend enough time doing this because it feels esoteric, but it's actually really easy to define your values. If you look up Brené Brown, the inspirational speaker that we all love, she has a whole list of values you could look at. In my book, Doing It All, I have a whole list of values that you could look at. And it's as simple as looking through a big list: These are the top five things that I would say I tend to choose, I tend to think about the most, I tend to make decisions about already based off these values. Because in our best moments, we make decisions based off our values.

Another thing you can do is ask other people who are close to you. Like if you were to look at this list, how should these words describe me? You know, because the values are things like compassion, loyalty, ambition, so other people (if you don't know for yourself) can a lot of times look from the outside in and be able to help you.

The other thing I do in my books and in my coaching is something called the “centered vision” training or exercise, where people visualize your perfect day, not where you live on an island by yourself but a perfect day when things are going well. What would you be doing? How would you be spending your time? Who would you be with? How would you feel? And then use that to inform what themes come out of that. So mine, for example, is I'm sitting on a porch, and there's these really cheap Target curtains that are white, those filmy, flimsy ones. And then I'm looking out, and there is an ocean, and it's kind of expansive, and I'm sitting next to other women with our arms linked. That is like I'm contributing to other women doing the work that I do. I feel rested. I feel calm. And then the ocean to me kind of represents this expansiveness, the travel, the exploration, all those good things.

[00:15:48] Jennifer Borget Okay. And what words jump out at you? That makes sense. Earlier, you talked about connection. Would those be your values?

[00:15:57] Whitney Casares Yeah, my values, my five are connection, the health and wellness piece, contribution to others, the exploration piece, and then financial literacy.

So, the financial wellness piece: When I am not financially well, I am a wreck. It ruins everything. And I think that is a common theme for most people. When you're stressed about money, I mean, it just bleeds into every other facet of your life. And I would say it keeps you from being aligned with your values when you're stressed out financially. I don't mean money's tight, so we're stressed. I mean you feel like you're out of alignment, like you are in a ton of debt; or you feel you've been making decisions where you're overspending, or you feel like your money's going to the wrong places and you're wasting money. If you feel that you're in that spot, it can be really hard to then focus on all the other things that you care about.

[00:16:55] Jennifer Borget You've written a book, Doing It All, and it talks about over-functioning. What is that, and why do so many parents fall into this trap?

[00:17:04] Whitney Casares I believe that we were sold a lie when we were coming up. I was sold a line by my parents, who were very wonderful people who were well-meaning, that I could be a parent who was amazing and also kill it in my career simultaneously, and keep a Martha Stewart house, and stay looking young and sexy all the time, and be a perfect partner. I could do all that. I could be like 1950s housewife plus totally modern woman in the workforce simultaneously. And the reality is that's not possible. We all do things that are have to be sacrifices.

So when you are taught that lie of you can do it all, then you keep on chasing this dream. And you never get there. So you keep on doing more, more, more and more to try to achieve the dream that never occurs. That's part one of why we over-function. Part two is that a lot of us feel, as parents, super anxious in the world. I mean, we have a lot going on in the world right now, but even beyond that, we feel anxious about our parenting and about this work/life balance thing, right? Especially with the rise of social media, the amount of binary information that we're getting around “do these five things or your kid will end up a mess. Do these five things and your kid would become a genius.” Our parents had none of that. Our parents were clueless. You know what I mean?

[00:18:52] Jennifer Borget It's so true. I mean, we only see bits and pieces of everything online. Every time I go out with a friend and see them face to face, it's like we're having these same conversations and this realization of Oh, you're in the same boat, too. But of course, this isn't the stuff we're posting online and sharing with everyone, like the tough things or anything like that. All of us have tough days, right? Do you have a mantra or mindset or anything that helps you when you're having those tough days, something that you can quickly go to and call on?

[00:19:32] Whitney Casares The two things that I tell myself are “You are enough.” I have a tattoo that says Déjà Assez (which is, in French, “You're enough”) under my rib. So I get out of the shower and look at my little tattoo.

And then, have you ever seen those little signs—we have them in Portland; they're white and have black lettering and say, “Don't give up.”

[00:19:57] Jennifer Borget Okay.

[00:19:58] Whitney Casares They put those all around Portland, and maybe they just need to not give up. That is the other thing that I tell myself all the time. “Don't give up” and “you are enough.” Like, it's not all over. Don't give up. Keep on going. That one helps me the most when I am in a tough moment and literally want to just like throw in everything—to be like, There's hope. And then the third one is “You're not alone.” Because I feel like just remembering that I'm not the only one in this trouble helps a ton.

[00:20:38] Jennifer Borget We appreciate that you took the time to chat with us, excited about your books and everything, where people of course can learn more. Thank you so much, Dr. Whitney. This was a great chat.

A huge thank you to Dr. Whitney for joining us today. I really appreciate how she breaks down this idea of alignment not just with your time but with your money. And it all starts with defining your own values.

When it comes to financial planning, that mindset is everything because the best plan is the one that's built to prioritize what matters. If you're ready to feel more aligned in your financial life, visit northwesternmutual.com/podcast. You can download our free parenting prioritization worksheet and other helpful planning resources. Don't forget to leave us a rating and review, and thanks for listening. We'll see you next time.

[00:21:26] Speaker Northwestern Mutual is the marketing name for the Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance Company, NM, and its subsidiaries. Life and disability insurance, annuities, and life insurance with long-term care benefits are issued by The Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance Company, Milwaukee, WI (NM).

Investment brokerage services are offered through Northwestern Mutual Investment Services, LLC (NMIS), a subsidiary of NM, broker-dealer, registered investment advisor, and member FINRA and SIPC. Products and services referenced are offered and sold only by appropriately appointed and licensed entities and financial advisors and professionals. Not all products and services are available in all states.

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Dr. Whitney Casares is not affiliated with Northwestern Mutual, and the views expressed by Dr. Whitney Casares do not necessarily represent those of Northwestern Mutual or its subsidiary.