Why All Couples Need to Have the Money Talk—And How to Get Started

When you're in a relationship, you spend a lot of time sharing everything from stories about your youth to silly commentary on reality shows. But do any of your intimate conversations include discussions about saving? Spending? Your shared money goals?

Fortunately, many couples today realize the importance of discussing finances. In fact, Northwestern Mutual's 2023 Planning & Progress Study finds that nearly three-quarters of Americans believe that money conversations should happen “well ahead of marriage or living together.”

While it can sometimes it be difficult to broach the subject, staying in the dark financially (or keeping your partner there) could be preventing you from making the progress you both desire.

“A couple is a team, and when we work together, we can accomplish more than if we were pursuing our goals as individuals,” says New York City-based financial therapist Amanda Clayman.

Even couples who are open about their own feelings about money may not be necessarily functioning as a team in their financial lives. It could be that one person assumes the financial caretaker role naturally—maybe they like considering the impact of a credit rating and the reality of current cash flow, while the other believes ignorance is bliss. But being totally out of the loop when it comes to your family finances could lead to massive miscommunication and money disagreements with your partner.

So if you and your partner could use a little more teamwork when it comes to your money, here are some tips to help make the money talk less painful and more a part of your routine.

Start with the big picture

When you hear “money talk,” you likely imagine you and your sweetheart staring at a spreadsheet together as you try to calculate every line item of your budget. But before you sweat those details, it’s important to understand what all that budgeting is actually for.

Money is a resource that we use as a means to an end, but says it’s important to ask what those ends are. Is it to retire early? Travel often? Send your kids to college? Choose work based on its meaning, rather than the salary?

“Talking about values is a great way to form a bond of trust and understanding beyond who is ‘right’ when it comes to setting the family’s financial goals,” she says.

As you create your list, categorize items into short-, medium- and long-term goals, which can help you prioritize as you set your budget.

Set some conversation ground rules

If you’ve found that past money talks have devolved into money arguments, propose some guidelines that will help minimize heated confrontations and keep the discussion productive.

Here are a few basic rules Clayman recommends you and your partner should try to agree on:

• Avoid the blame game. Don’t frame the conversation in terms of how you're right and the other person is wrong—aim for mutual ground. You don’t want to waste a lot of energy on who did what and how that may have prevented you from reaching your goals as a couple. Vow to start looking forward, together.

• Strive to be empathetic. You can build goodwill by starting the conversation with appreciative comments about each other, whether or not they’re money related. Once you start talking about money, try repeating each other’s concerns in order to build empathy. For instance, “I hear that you’re anxious we’re not saving enough money. Is there more?” Or, “It makes sense that you’re worried we don’t have enough saved, since that’s important to both of us and we tend to spend our money.” Once both partners feel they’ve been heard and their opinions have been validated, they are in a place to negotiate.
• Make compromise a goal. Agree that you’ll both have to give and take a little to overcome an impasse. If you're a saver married to a spender, agree to earmark some money each month to save as well as some to spend on something fun.
• Create concrete action steps. At the end of each meeting, set benchmarks and assess your progress against each checkpoint. And don’t forget to celebrate the wins, such as by taking a romantic road trip after paying off a student loan. 

Keep to a schedule

Making ongoing money talks a part of your routine may sound about as appealing as regular visits to the dentist, but they don’t have to be unpleasant. Choose a cadence that makes sense for you and your partner and try to remember the benefit of planning ahead.

“One of the worst things a couple can do is only talk about money when something stressful comes up,” says Clayman. She suggests having a “Review-Predict-Plan” session, which can help you see how your spending and saving plan is going and look ahead to what’s coming.  

“See what money has gone out and come in since your last talk; look at what is coming up in the weeks and months to come; and make a mutually understood and agreed-upon plan to prepare,” she says.

To encourage you to keep your money date, surround it with something fun. Maybe you hold the convo over dinner or head to the movie theater to reward yourself when you’re done.

Above all, don’t feel let down if the first conversation isn't ideal. Not only will these financial discussions get easier with time, but they'll also be more fulfilling as you start to see the progress you're making together.