How to Talk About Estate Planning With Your Parents

Anna Burton is a lead planning excellence consultant at Northwestern Mutual.

Talking to your parents about estate planning can be delicate since it involves sensitive topics such as mortality, financial security and family dynamics. But avoiding the conversation may lead to challenging situations down the road. And you can’t assume this is something your parents have taken care of—in fact, according to a recent Caring.com survey, less than a quarter of Americans even have a will. And that’s just one part of a complete estate plan.

Talking with your parents can help them map out their long-term goals. That can set the stage for a smooth transition when the time comes. It can also help prevent any confusion about their wishes and help simplify the probate process. Honest conversations about what help your parents might need—or what help they may be planning to give you—can even inform your own financial planning. Here’s a guide to help you approach estate planning with your parents.

Do your homework first

A basic understanding of estate and trust planning is a good place to start. By doing a little prep work, you’re more likely to see things objectively and anticipate potential snags. Start by reading about the following:

• What does estate planning involve? Your parents’ estate plan should lay out where they’d like their money to go after they’re gone. It can also outline their final wishes regarding their health care, personal property and custody of any minor children.
• What estate planning documents will my parents need? Common estate planning documents include wills, trusts, powers of attorney, beneficiary designations, funeral plans and tax-planning documents. And it can be helpful to have your parents list their physical and digital assets.

Then connect with your siblings or other family members to come up with a game plan for how you’d like the conversation to go. That includes specific topics you’d like to cover. For example, if your parents’ health is declining, it may be time to bring up health care directives and preferences. And you might plan to discuss whether they have long-term care insurance policies. You can also troubleshoot any roadblocks that might come up.

Choose an appropriate setting

This is an important topic, and you’ll want your parents to be in a mindset that’s open and receptive. Springing it on them at the wrong time could lead to tension and even conflict. Here are a few tips to help you find the best place to discuss such a serious topic:

• Avoid bringing it up during a vacation, holiday get-together or family celebration. These are special times to connect with each other and make memories—not get into a heavy, sensitive conversation.
• Choose a private space where your parents will feel relaxed and at ease. That might be their home, your house or the home of a family member or trusted friend.
• Keep the atmosphere free of distractions. You may need to arrange childcare, avoid alcohol, turn off the TV and take other steps to foster a good discussion.

Start the conversation naturally

Instead of diving into the negatives, like the repercussions of dying without a will or the hefty cost of long-term care, consider beginning the conversation on a lighter note. For example, you could open things by talking about your own estate plan or something relevant you saw on the news recently. That could provide a natural segue into the topic.

No matter how you begin, be sure to focus on the benefits of having a plan rather than talking about death. Otherwise, your parents could get fearful and shut down. The best-case scenario is for your parents to understand that they’re loved and supported—and that you respect their feelings and wishes.

Clearly express your intentions

Be clear about your main motivations for wanting to talk about estate planning with your parents. That might include the following:

• Protecting the wealth they’ve built together
• Safeguarding their legacy
• Fostering the financial future of their children and grandchildren
• Avoiding potential family disputes
• Ensuring they’re well cared for as they age

Clearly communicate that you want to make sure their wishes are honored. This can help them feel more of a sense of control.

Ask broad questions

The last thing you want is for your parents to feel as if they have no control over what’s happening. Carefully phrased questions allow your parents to share their thoughts, concerns and goals for their estate plan. Here are some questions you may want to ask:

• What’s important to them in terms of their legacy? That might be leaving money to a special nonprofit organization or helping to pay for their grandchildren’s college education.
• Do they plan to rely on you for help? Maybe they have planned for long-term care expenses, or maybe they are counting on you. It’s good to talk it through so you can prepare.
• How would they like their assets to be distributed? This can include their home and family heirlooms as well as cash savings and investments. Let your parents know that they don’t have to decide these things right now, but it’s important to start thinking about it.
• When was the last time they updated their wills and choices for a life insurance beneficiary? Not keeping a will up to date is one of the most common mistakes people make. Regular updates help make sure the documents reflect your parents’ wishes.

As you talk, really listen and try not to judge them. And be sure to respond without pressuring them.

Introduce the key elements of estate planning

Once the conversation is underway and you feel you’re on the same page, you can start talking about the nuts and bolts of estate planning—helping to make sure their bases are covered. That includes these:

• The finer points of their wills, including who they’ll each choose to be their executor
• Whether they should establish a trust with the help of an estate planning attorney
• Choosing financial and health care powers of attorney
• The importance of updating beneficiary designations on retirement accounts, life insurance policies, bank accounts and investment accounts

Offer help and support

Let your parents know that you appreciate them being able to talk things over, even if it can be uncomfortable. You might offer to help them find an estate planning attorney or financial advisor who can provide expert guidance along the way. Your Northwestern Mutual financial advisor may also be a helpful partner in this discussion.

And remember that this conversation will probably be one of many. Continue following up with your parents and working through any questions or concerns that crop up.

As you go, keep your financial advisor close. They can help you and your parents build a generational plan that grows and protects what’s important to all of you.